BREAKING NEWS: picks up Tucker Carlson with a contract and a big salary, replacing The Jimmy Kimmel Show

In an unexpected turn of events—yet somehow anticipated by many—ABC has chosen to sever ties with late-night comedy staple Jimmy Kimmel and appoint Tucker Carlson as his successor. This is indeed the same Tucker Carlson known for his polarizing commentary, which makes even the most contentious family discussions appear civil. He is now making a transition into network television, reportedly with a deal so financially rewarding that it dwarfs Kimmel’s earnings.

Carlson, who departed from Fox News amidst a flurry of controversies, is now firmly positioned in the late-night entertainment arena. ABC has assured audiences that the revamped show will offer “a bold new perspective” for the time slot—because what America truly needs at 11:35 PM is less humor and more political discourse.

The choice to replace Kimmel, celebrated for his blend of sharp humor and genuine moments, with Carlson’s intense demeanor and calculated outrage has left many fans bewildered. However, insiders suggest that this decision is primarily driven by the pursuit of higher ratings. It appears that ABC believes viewers would prefer to retire for the night with political tension rather than enjoying light-hearted jokes and celebrity chats.

Critics have swiftly highlighted the absurdity of this shift. Traditionally, late-night programs aim to bring audiences together through humor, rather than pushing them into ideological divides. Nevertheless, ABC may be banking on a future where comedy is overshadowed by monologues filled with barely concealed anger and dire warnings about the nation’s condition. A daring strategy, indeed!

Carlson himself has expressed enthusiasm for this new role, stating, “I’ve always believed that late-night television is the perfect platform to discuss the real issues facing our country.” In other words, brace yourselves for nightly rants that could transform a segment on pumpkin spice lattes into a discourse on societal decline.

Kimmel is said to be handling the news with composure. According to sources familiar with the former host, he is already receiving offers and may consider launching a podcast. By 2025, Spotify may be one of the few platforms available for comedians to share their humor without the risk of being overshadowed by Tucker Carlson.